Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I NEVER BELIEVED THE LETTERS I READ IN PENTHOUSE UNTIL IT HAPPENED TO ME


About six months ago, the editor of Penthouse wrote to me to say that he was a big fan of my work on on Margaret Thatcher -- yes, really -- and had sent copies of my book to all of his relatives, including his daughter in Israel -- yes, really -- who's a big fan of the Iron Lady -- yes, really. He would therefore -- obviously -- like me to write for Penthouse. I am not making this up.
I suggested I write profile of Grandmaster Emin Boztepe, the founder of the Emin Boztepe Martial Arts System. I told them that I thought Sifu Emin was a serious candidate for the title, "Most lethal man in the world."
"Terrific," said the editor. "We'll put it in our upcoming 'BadAss' issue." This, I guess, was an edgy departure from their usual "GreatAss" theme.
I was really excited about my new career as a pornographer. Any moral (or aesthetic) scruple I may have had about it evaporated when they explained their pay scale. Anyway, my friends reminded me, writing for a porno mag is an important American literary rite of passage, like getting into a feud with Norman Mailer. I started reading their back-issues for style guidance. I thought the pole-dancing issue, in particular, was very probing.
They sent me the contract to sign. As luck would have it, when I went to the post office to mail it back, there was some dweeby American guy behind me in the line. His eyes positively bugged out when he looked over my shoulder and saw that I was mailing a letter to "Editor, Penthouse." I thought about trying to explain, but then I thought, why ruin it for him?
I wrote the article, along with a sidebar about Sifu Emin's top ten tips for defending yourself in hand-to-hand combat. It was a great assignment. I got to call people like Bob Wall and Chuck Norris to ask them who, in their view, was the most lethal man in the world.
Actually, to be honest, I couldn't get through to Chuck Norris. I tried, but his secretary got frosty on me when I said I was writing for Penthouse. "Chuck," she said sniffily, "is a conservative."
Now, when I heard this, I was a bit surprised. I'm not really used to the insinuation that there might be a problem with my commitment to conservatism. "Ma'am," I said finally, "I'm a conservative, too. In fact, I think my conservative credentials will impress him. Please let him know that I'm Margaret Thatcher's biographer, okay? Really, I'm on his side."
"You're what?"

"I'm the author of 'Why Margaret Thatcher Matters.' In fact, I'm more conservative than Chuck."

"Well" (doubtful). "I'll give him the message."

"I have a subscription to National Review, for God's sake."

"I'll let him know."

"Seriously, Ma'am, I make Chuck look pink."

I think my tone probably put her off, though; she refused to put me through. Probably for the best. I mean, who wants to deal with Chuck Norris's socialist nonsense? But Bob Wall is an absolutely lovely guy, and he totally agreed with me that Sifu Emin was one of the most lethal men in the world. (After Bob Wall, of course.) “I’ve rolled with toughest, greatest martial artists on earth, all of the great ones -- and he’s one of them," he said.
Penthouse really liked the piece, they told me. Parenthetically, I have never experienced more rigorous fact-checking in my entire career than I have when writing for Penthouse. You can believe every word of those letters. “But our reputation,” said my editor sadly whenever he called, “is lower than whale shit.” He seemed genuinely hurt.
He wanted, for example, proof that Sifu Emin was the most lethal man in the world. "Peter," I wrote back patiently, "who would you consider appropriately qualified to issue a verdict on that question? The Chairman of the International Lethalness Measurement Task Force? I mean, for all we really know, there's a still-more lethal man living in some remote tribal village in Equatorial Guinea, thoughtfully chewing on his enemies' entrails even as I type."
He saw the wisdom in what I was saying, but he stuck to his guns: I had to say that he might be the most lethal man in the world. I thought that sounded as if I lacked courage in my convictions, but I guess I have to respect Penthouse's commitment to accuracy over sensationalism. Anyway, they gave me such a fact-checking hassle that when I finally delivered the piece, I sent it with pages of footnotes and documentation, as well as a legal addendum about the protection of my sources in the US government, who had spoken to me on Deep Background. (I'm not making that up, either.) "Okay, Claire," my editor said finally, "We're not publishing the Pentagon Papers here."
After all that, I was disappointed when the piece didn't come out as scheduled. I wrote to my editor: What happened?
Apparently, the financial crisis has hit the porn industry so badly that Penthouse has had to cut down on the number of issues they're publishing. I was shocked: What is the world coming to when Penthouse has to skip an issue? Back when I was a youngster this would have been cause for all the local male adolescents to die of grief. But back when I was a youngster, you had to get your Penthouse by means of a character-fortifying and profoundly embarrassing trip to the porno shop. We've made everything too easy for the kids these days. They're decadent, I tell you.
Yes, yes, this story is going somewhere.

So, I came back home the other day to see that the postman had delivered a package. In a plain manila envelope. I opened it (fortunately in front of no one but Egemen), and what did I find: Two shiny new copies of Penthouse -- with my article in it.

No, I'm not going to link to it. You have to buy it. But I'll post the top-ten-tips sidebar, if my readers request it.

The article looked great. Penthouse's photographers are absolutely top-notch. But I'd forgotten just how pornographic Penthouse really is. I was sort of torn between pride in my work and a desire to make sure than no one sees these things in my apartment, ever.

Not Egemen, he wasn't torn at all. He knew exactly where he stood. I offered him a copy as a souvenir, but he refused to take it. He was, he said, well past the age where he was willing to hide this stuff from his parents.

I'm not sure what to do with them. I'm not sure if even my mom loves me enough to display the "SPECIAL 7-GIRL PILEUP" issue proudly on her coffee table.


485 comments:

  1. What a wonderfully told story about writing an article.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm not sure what to do with them.

    I'm sure some of your readers would be happy to accept (autographed) copies.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Please publish the top ten tips sidebar.

    Bob

    ReplyDelete
  4. You go, girl!

    Your point about the porn rite of passage made me chuckle. One of my very first writing gigs -- paying writing gigs, anyway -- was with another skin rag that shall remain nameless. Not that I'm claiming American Man Of Letters status or anything, mind. But I've been grinding out a meager living at this for a while now, and with my previous (and quite brief) porn history, I can now tell myself I'm following in Fitzgerald and Hemingway's footsteps -- in that regard, if no other.

    ReplyDelete
  5. And you were wearing what while penning your article?

    ReplyDelete
  6. "SPECIAL 7-GIRL PILEUP"?

    Off to the store I go!

    ReplyDelete
  7. "penning your article"... is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Though you're not a Science Fiction writer, you are totally reminding me of Kilgore Trout! Rock on!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Do the people that buy Penthouse actual read the articles? Sorry, just asking.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I can't locate that issue. Did you say it was 7-Girl Crackup?

    ReplyDelete
  11. I don't often post comments on blogs, but this is worthy of high praise and a virtual standing ovation. Bravo - well played.

    (I studied fiction writing under TC Boyle - He was always most proud of this short stories that were published in Playboy early in his career. Who would have thought, eh?)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Very well done. I used to work for Playboy and I can guarantee the editors were excellent.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Followed the link from Glenn Reynolds, enjoyed your story, went to your website, looked at all the titles of the articles you've published... No Mention of Penthouse... yet. Now I have to hit amazon and buy your book... Looking forward, though, to seeing the reference -eventually- on your article list.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Astute readers will recall the series of spot-on articles of the coming economic meltdown that ran in several '08 issues of WANKER magazine.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Claire, I absolutely want one of them.
    What Im going to do is to put it on the coffee table, on top of my Art Noveau Book.
    No kidding. I want one of those copies, preferibly the way that Egemen hasn't used yet.

    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Top ten tips, please! And, by the way, a very well written article.

    ReplyDelete
  17. But back when I was a youngster, you had to get your Penthouse by means of a character-fortifying and profoundly embarrassing trip to the porno shop.

    FWIW, being 13 or 14 years old in Brooklyn in the early 80s meant that, not only was there little embarrassment in purchasing a copy of Guccione's finest, you could also nonchalantly pick up a six of Schaefer beer to go along with your reading material.

    ReplyDelete
  18. OK, Folks, top ten tips coming up -- but first I have to go to my Muay Thai class. Stay tuned.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hilarious. BTW, Playboy cut an issue, too, and made up for it with twins as a centerfold.

    So the 7-girl-pileup may indicate Penthouse going to five issues per year.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Please marry me.

    - Brian Moore

    ReplyDelete
  21. Ok here's some advice for the next time you call Chuck Norris about a Penthouse article (if you get to write for them again). Chuck is an evangelical Christian - which is probably why you had such a difficult time getting through. However, just remind him that he spoke at Liberty University's commencement and that Jerry was a good 'friend' of Larry Flynt. They used to travel around discussing the failed lawsuit that Jerry filed against Larry and were actually friends of a sort. The law suit went to the Supreme Court and pertained to a cartoon in Penthouse which implied that Jerry's first time was with his mother in an outhouse.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Norris endorsed Mike Huckabee for President and that would, indeed, make him a socialist (if a culturally-Right one). Could yourself lucky that you did not besmirch your dignity, or the dignity of Penthouse.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I never believed the letters in Penthouse either until it happened to me ... literally. I was a young soldier from Ft. Devens visiting Boston ... OK, this isn't the time or place.

    Good for you!

    I wonder if the clerk at the store will believe that I'm buying it to read your article! lol

    ReplyDelete
  24. "lucky that you did not besmirch your dignity, or the dignity of Penthouse."

    Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Emin Boztepe? You're kidding, right?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szdF1nIAfpk

    Most incompetent ambush EVER.

    Ever wonder why Boztepe won't step into the ring in an MMA competition and show just how great he is? Hint: He'd lose. Badly.

    Go visit http://www.bullshido.net/ and free your mind of ignorant BS.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Imagine my excitement when I learned you were going to be in Penthouse.


    Imagine my disappointment when I learned as a writer....


    ok, ok, ok, but someone had to write this one.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Sad to learn that you were not both the writer and centerfold but would still be happy to take one of the copies off your hands...

    ReplyDelete
  28. So, did you feud with Norman Mailer?

    ReplyDelete
  29. Neat story, except the part about Bozetepe. He's a fraud who talked a ton of crap, ambushed an old man, and failed to back up his challenge to Royce Gracie.

    Too bad you didn't speak to Chuck. Chuck was world champion in kickboxing and is also a black belt in brazilian jiu jitsu under Carlos Machado. Chuck is the real deal. Bozetepe is a joke.

    http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&source=hp&q=gracie+bozetepe&aq=f&oq=&aqi=

    This story is like a flashback to over 10 years ago, back when people still believed in that wing chun absurdity. I know, I know, it's too lethal to demonstrate so you'd have to kill/maim me to prove it. *rolleyes*

    ReplyDelete
  30. As an intellectual, I only read Penthouse and the like for the articles. And while I found your article interesting, I found the article on the 7-girl pileup most stimulating indeed! Picture, 1,000 words, yadda, yadda.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I really liked your discussion, and now I'll have to convince some newly-post-adolsecent 20 something to get a copy for me so I can read the article. Really. By the way, I clicked over to your profile. You're HOT! You could so be in there for reasons other than your outstanding literary abilities!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'll have to check out your Thatcher book since she, like RR and JPII, got the Stalinst airbrush treatment for the recent Berlin Wall Fall rememberances. Also, read your article on Turkish Airline maintenance since I follow airlines. I suspect with the religious takeover in Turkey and, evidently, in their national airline a lot of the maintenance is done on the
    "insha-Allah" principle.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Too funny. Thanks for the read.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I used to assure readers and writers and friends and acquaintences alike that the letters we published in Penthouse were real. To the extent that they were delivered to us at the magazine by an employee of the US Post Office. Beyond that even our fact checkers were forbidden to go.

    ReplyDelete
  35. When I was about 7 or 8 my father wrote an article about the Teapot Dome scandal. As a part-time freelancer he shopped it to a number of magazines and the first one to bite was a fairly new title...Hustler! When Larry Flynt called the house to discuss the terms (even back then porn paid well) and my father found out what Hustler was...he had his name changed for that story. As a history prof I guess he figured it wouldn't look so good!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Please post the sidebar.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Boztepe is almost certainly a fraud. Did you do your journalistic homework? There were elaborate negotiations for Boztepe to fight a Gracie Jiujitsu practitioner way back in the 90s and he backed out. Jiujitsu and other *real* martial arts like boxing, Muay Thai, wrestling, judo, etc. are on display every week in high level MMA competitions. Be very wary of any style that claims its techniques are "too deadly" to be practiced in actual competition.

    ReplyDelete
  38. "Do the people that buy Penthouse actual read the articles?"

    My standard answer to that is yes, because you have to let your wrist and palm rest once in a while. Ba-bump!

    I have no idea if the letters are real, but to people who think and say that there is no way they could be real -- well there are more things under heaven and earth etc., etc.

    ReplyDelete
  39. What issue is it? December 2009?

    ReplyDelete
  40. First time here via link from Volokh. Suggestion: if you're a conseravtive (like me) and are interested in women's self-defense, why don't you post something about conversations you've had with your women friends about who their attackers are likely to be? Do white women understand that as a result of liberalism's kow-towing to blacks, women are more likely than ever to face violence from blacks, as in the case of the NYC woman who failed to genuflect to the Columbia architecture professor? Do they understand that this is what "the political is the personal" now means?

    ReplyDelete
  41. Not a lot of black men here in Istanbul, Walter. Been here four years, city of about 15 million people, seen maybe a dozen.

    ReplyDelete
  42. While I do not profess to know the bonafides regarding Bozetepe, I will dispute the logic used here to discredit him. He may well be a fraud, and I make no claims either way; but I disagree with the claim that MMA competition is combat. Combat is combat. When I see someone have an ye ripped from his or her face in MMA competition, then it is real combat. Until then, it is a competition, with rules. With rules comes a certain inevitable level of artifice. Consider the difference between fencing and dueling over crossed steel. If you can't see there's a difference, then you don't know what actual combat it. That isn't to say that a MMA competitive fighter could not be a formidable combatant; but to say that what occurs in the ring proves anything about actual combat is fallacious.

    ReplyDelete
  43. While I do not profess to know the bonafides regarding Bozetepe, I will dispute the logic used here to discredit him. He may well be a fraud, and I make no claims either way; but I disagree with the claim that MMA competition is combat. Combat is combat. When I see someone have an eye ripped from his or her face in MMA competition, then it is real combat. Until then, it is a competition, with rules. With rules comes a certain inevitable level of artifice. Consider the difference between fencing and dueling over crossed steel. If you can't see there's a difference, then you don't know what actual combat it. That isn't to say that a MMA competitive fighter could not be a formidable combatant; but to say that what occurs in the ring proves anything about actual combat is fallacious.

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