I WAS SORT OF HOPING FOR A ROUSING CHORUS OF "DON'T QUIT, CLAIRE"

Remind me not to take my readers into a foxhole with me.

Anyway, Jesse, since you did take the time to say something encouraging, I am going to drag myself to class tonight just to let you know your effort wasn't wasted, even though honestly, I would prefer to remove my own appendix with a pair of pruning shears. I'm dragging my ass out there purely to express the principle, "I don't quit and I'm not a wuss."

That, and my mother seemed quite pleased by the idea of my giving the whole business up. I am not too old to be above the idea that if something seems to discomfit my mother, it must be fun.

ISTANBUL NOIR

The sun came up today, but for a while I was wondering: It too seemed to be suffering a distinct lack of motivation. Even my cat was getting a bit concerned.

Last summer, my landlady was excitedly explaining how great the view was going to be when she cut that tree down.

"There's really no need," I explained. "Just wait two months."

And so the ancient tree was saved, and quite lovely it is, as you can see, in a cold, depressing, lightless, dead-of-winter way.

(Belgian proverb: Snow in November, Christmas in December.)

BLEAK EV

I am going to go out on a real literary limb here and assert that Charles Dickens is a very great author. I was minded this morning to revisit Bleak House, of which I was thinking because I was wondering if -- now that I'm no longer interested in the martial arts -- I might use this venue to narrate the ongoing epic saga of Berlinski v. Sargın Construction. But after re-reading the first chapter of Bleak House, I realized that it would be simpler just to refer you to it. Just swap a few local details -- mosques for churches, headscarves for bonnets, sütlaç for plum cake, that sort of thing -- and you'll understand the whole story perfectly.

How many people out of the suit Jarndyce and Jarndyce has stretched forth its unwholesome hand to spoil and corrupt would be a very wide question. From the master upon whose impaling files reams of dusty warrants in Jarndyce and Jarndyce have grimly writhed into many shapes, down to the copying clerk in the Six Clerks’ Office who has copied his tens of thousands of Chancery folio-pages under that eternal heading, no man’s nature has been made better by it. In trickery, evasion, procrastination, spoliation, botheration, under false pretences of all sorts, there are influences that can never come to good. The very solicitors’ boys who have kept the wretched suitors at bay, by protesting time out of mind that Mr Chizzle, Mizzle, or otherwise was particularly engaged and had appointments until dinner, may have got an extra moral twist and shuffle into themselves out of Jarndyce and Jarndyce. The receiver in the cause has acquired a goodly sum of money by it but has acquired too a distrust of his own mother and a contempt for his own kind. Chizzle, Mizzle, and otherwise have lapsed into a habit of vaguely promising themselves that they will look into that outstanding little matter and see what can be done for Drizzle — who was not well used — when Jarndyce and Jarndyce shall be got out of the office. Shirking and sharking, in all their many varieties have been sown broadcast by the ill-fated cause; and even those who have contemplated its history from the outer-most circle of such evil have been insensibly tempted into a loose way of letting bad things alone to take their own bad course, and a loose belief that if the world go wrong it was in some off-hand manner never meant to go right.

OFF TO WAX MY AK-47

Thank you, Damian, for this journalists' guide to firearms identification, although I did find your sending it to me just slightly patronizing. I knew how to identify all of them already. In fact, I have fired one just like the one on the bottom right, which I doubt you, in your safe ivory tower, can say.

The aperture sight wasn't ideal for target-acquisition -- especially when the target was moving -- but it seemed to work okay if I shot with both eyes closed, and I must say it lived up to its reputation for never jamming.

LOOK, I'VE GOT TO BE HONEST, I THINK I HATE THE MARTIAL ARTS

No point pretending otherwise, folks. I'm growingly feeling a profound, deep and comprehensive loathing of everything connected to the martial arts. This is a surprise to me, as I'm sure it is to you. I'm sure you can imagine the embarrassing position this puts me in, seeing as I've been going on and on about how much I love the martial arts. But actually, I think I hate them all.

I don't want to go to class. I can't seem to force myself to go. I do remember that not so very long ago, I felt interested in this whole business and even quite enthusiastic, but I can't for the life of me figure out why. And in the absence of a good reason, why would anyone do this?

Everyone involved in the martial arts, and I do mean everyone, is keen to impress upon me that everyone else in this world is fraudulent, vainglorious, greedy and peddling techniques that in no way would be useful to anyone should ever she really need to defend herself.

I think you have all succeeded in persuading me that you are right.

SPECIAL! EGEMEN NARRATES A VITOR BELFORT HIGHLIGHT VIDEO

Egemen just showed me a Vitor Belfort video illustrating the benefits of continuous punching, as opposed to combinations. He's been trying to teach me this in our lessons. I captured this magic moment of our relationship on film.

Belfort has a Gracie Jiu-jitsu background, so in principle you might expect him to rely on a lot of fancy submissions, but as you can see, he's winning these things by slugging. It's very effective. Most of his matches last about ten seconds.

The geometry of his style is different from Wing Tzun's, Egemen notes, but the principle is the same: Combinations, which require you to vary your angle, disrupt your balance, especially if you're pursuing someone. "I'm not saying combinations are wrong," says Egemen. "Nicely applied combinations, done by people who know how to throw them, create minimal disruption of balance. But they do still disrupt balance."

Egemen stresses again, though, that "highlight videos are dumb."

HAITI CALLING, PART III

Claire says: (5:17:28 PM) Have you been enjoying the East Anglia climate scandal as much as the rest of the family?

Mischa says: (5:17:34 PM) Yes, I have.

Claire says: (5:18:21 PM) Lots of people keep saying, "Of course, we would all look awful if our e-mails were published."

Claire says: (5:18:38 PM) I am kind of the exception to this rule, seeing as my whole career is based on publishing my e-mails.

Mischa says: (5:18:42 PM) I always suspected that this global warming business was a crock, just like the heliotropic theory of the solar system and all the other nonsense our Pop has demasked.

Mischa says: (5:19:05 PM) Your emails reveal the best of you.

Claire says: (5:19:21 PM) I like to think it's my right cross, actually.

Mischa says: (5:19:42 PM) Actually, I'd say your emails are like a peppery jab.

Claire says: (5:20:02 PM) Yes, but my right cross IS a peppery jab.

Claire says: (5:20:10 PM) Or a cross, technically.

Mischa says: (5:20:26 PM) Maybe I misunderstood your metaphor.

Mischa says: (5:20:37 PM) I took you to mean that your emails were your most effective blow.

Claire says: (5:20:44 PM) Because it wasn't a metaphor.

Mischa says: (5:21:01 PM) Oh, I see.

Mischa says: (5:21:07 PM) Your right cross is the best part of you.

Mischa says: (5:21:14 PM) How can your right cross be a jab?

Mischa says: (5:21:22 PM) A jab is a jab.

Mischa says: (5:21:25 PM) A cross is a cross.

Claire says: (5:21:25 PM) You're two steps behind me, mon frère.

Mischa says: (5:21:32 PM) Or one ahead.

Claire says: (5:21:42 PM) Either way, you're not following.

Mischa says: (5:22:04 PM) If we're going around in circles, I could both follow and lead, be ahead and behind.

Claire says: (5:22:04 PM) At least we're not cornered.

Claire says: (5:22:17 PM) That's the idea behind the Octagon.

Mischa says: (5:22:33 PM) Is that the new Chinese military complex?

THE BRUGES SPEECH: A BESPOKE POST FOR JONATHAN GILBERT

Believe it or not, I am posting these notes, which I wrote in honor of the anniversary of Margaret Thatcher's speech at Bruges, by popular demand. Yes, you're reading that right, a reader has actually written to request my opinions on this subject. I just happened to have my opinion in my files.

They're a little out of date, Jonathan, the anniversary having come and gone, but I think they'll meet your emotional needs.

To all my other readers: Hey, just let me know if you need anything else! I've got all sorts of weird stuff lying around that I never managed to get published: a proposal for a novel called Refugee Status, a comic book about stray cats in Istanbul called Catstantinople, a terrific three-page description of Ruby's, which is a nightclub near my old neighborhood in Paris frequented by some amazing Senegalese hookers -- whatever you need, just ask. If I've got it on hand, you're welcome to it.

I. The Bruges Speech:

*NB: Thatcher was originally a passionate Europhile. She supported the common market and integration into the European Economic Community. She campaigned against members of her own party who opposed it. (Most people are totally unaware of this.)

*It was not until midway through her tenure in office that she became persuaded that the original goals of the EEC had been supplanted by the goals of the EC: to wit, forming a European superstate that would a) inaugurate government by bureaucracy; b) promote socialism through the back door; c) erode national sovereignty.

*The Bruges speech: It was, as her foreign secretary said to me, "like Martin Luther nailing his theses to the wall." And it was received with about as much enthusiasm by faithful believers in the European project.

*This was the cause of her downfall: Her reluctance to bring Britain further into to Europe divided her Cabinet and prompted Geoffrey Howe to resign in protest. His resignation speech set in motion the train of events that led to the revolt of the Conservative Party and her resignation.

II. Twenty years on: Was Thatcher right?

A: Government by bureaucracy:

*Every year, the European Commission produces more than 11,000 new regulations. According to the Commission’s own findings, these regulations cost European businesses 600 billion Euros per annum. The trade benefits of the single market amount to about €160 billion per annum—in other words, the costs of EU membership now vastly exceed the benefits.

*The acquis communautaire is now 170,000 pages long. Over 100,000 have been produced in the last 10 years.

*77 percent of the total cost of regulation on U.K. business since 1998 has been driven by the EU.

*The European constitution: 265 handsome pages, forty times the length of the American Constitution, unreadable, uninspiring, and an absolute tour de force of bureaucratic jargon.

*Thatcher, 2002, In Statecraft: "You only have to wade through a metric measure or two of European prose, culled from its directives, circulars, reports, communiqués or what pass as debates in its ‘parliament,’ and you will quickly understand that Europe is, in truth, synonymous with bureaucracy. It is government by bureaucracy for bureaucracy ... The structures, plans, and programs of the European Union are to be understood as existing simply for their own sake ... It is time for the world to wake up to it; if it is still possible, to stop it ... "

B: Socialism through the back door:

*European countries continue dogmatically to defend the "European social model" against global competition. A group of nine EU member states issued an open declaration in February 2007 calling for "stronger social, environmental, and work protections" to further sap economic growth.

*Continual introduction of anti-competitive, price-controlling legislation in critical industries such as pharmaceuticals has led to huge capital flight.

*Massive resources redistributed to the agricultural sector. The CAP's highly protectionist system of agricultural subsidies (more than 40 percent of the entire EU budget) is the greatest obstacle to free trade in the modern world: It prevents the world's poorest farmers from competing fairly in the marketplace and is a direct cause of starvation.

*cf. Heritage Foundation's 2007 Index of Economic Freedom: "Europe suffers from the second-worst regional score in labor freedom and is dead last in fiscal freedom from government… [S]trong state sectors and rigid labor markets have already prompted significant social turmoil, not least in France."

*Levels of corruption and fraud are staggering. European Court of Auditors has rejected the EU's accounts for 13 straight years.

*French finance minister proposing to equalize tax rates throughout Europe, thus destroying "unfair competition." High tax rates of France, not low rates of Ireland, would become the new standard.

C: Erosion of national sovereignty:

*The Commission’s rulings are intended to supersede those made by the elected officials of the member states. Although the European parliament is elected directly by the citizens of member countries, the vastly more powerful Commission is not elected at all.

*Drafter of the constitution, Valery Giscard d'Estaing: "Public opinion will be led to adopt, without knowing it, the proposals that we dare not present to them directly."

*When the constitution was rejected by popular vote, it was replaced by Lisbon treaty, which is basically the same thing, reconstituted. (Zapatero: "We have not let a single substantial point of the constitutional treaty go.") Its provisions: member citizens would not be able to vote for the EU president, who would speak for them. Would create an EU diplomatic corps collected under a new EU foreign affairs minister. Would significantly shift power from member states to Brussels in areas such as immigration, defense, security, commercial policy, humanitarian aid, sport, space, climate change, tourism, investment and energy. (Implications for NATO and Anglo-American alliance are massive.) Would significantly reduce the number of policy areas that require unanimity from member states. Would entrench a pan-European magistracy, a European Public Prosecutor, a federal EU police force and an EU criminal code. Would establish a single legal personality. Brussels would sign international agreements on behalf of all member states. Article III-294 prohibits dissent: "Member States shall support the common foreign and security policy actively and unreservedly in a spirit of loyalty and mutual solidarity."

*When the Irish rejected it at the ballot box, Eurocrats' first response was to try to figure out a way to force it down their throats without a popular vote by reintroducing the constitution as a treaty to be ratified by parliaments, rather than by direct referendum.

III. The popular revolt against Europe: recent events:

*In France and the Netherlands, draft constitution contemptuously rejected. Rejection of Lisbon treaty in Ireland. Gordon Brown refused to hold a referendum on the treaty in Britain—having previously promised one—when he realized voters would reject it.

*The single European currency is now suffering from a severe lack of public support. Polls show that people in Austria, Germany, Greece, the Netherlands, Portugal, and Spain would all prefer to use their previous national currency instead of the euro.

*Growing resentment among ordinary Europeans about the tsunami of petty directives issuing from Brussels.

*Initial response to global financial crisis shows how quickly national interest asserted itself over the European ideal. Britain, Italy, France, Austria and Spain draw up individual plans to prop up their banking systems. New York Times describes reaction as an “ugly disarray” of “self-interested policies to protect their citizens and banks first.” Ugly, maybe, but not unanticipated -- not by Thatcher, not by me. (Good old NYT is very conflicted about this, editorially; they really like the recent socialization of European banks, see Week in Review.)

*Single currency may well disintegrate as global recession/depression unfolds. Financial markets are already pricing this possibility in. With an ECB headed by someone so incompetent as to hike rates three months ago, national self-preservation instincts are apt to override unity. Countries may begin to reassert their independence.

IV: Conclusion: Almost everything Thatcher warned would come to pass in the Bruges speech has come to pass. She was right, as so often she was.

HAITI CALLING, PART II

Mischa says: (5:12:40 PM) I'd read a blog about Thatcher.

Mischa says: (5:12:46 PM) I love when you blog about her.

Claire says: (5:12:47 PM) I may start one.

Mischa says: (5:12:53 PM) No, the same blog.

Mischa says: (5:12:58 PM) You capture twice the audience.

Mischa says: (5:13:03 PM) That's your niche.

Claire says: (5:13:05 PM) Hmmm ... maybe.

Claire says: (5:13:15 PM) Not a bad idea!

Mischa says: (5:13:21 PM) I had an idea.

Claire says: (5:13:25 PM) I'll test it.

Claire says: (5:13:30 PM) What's that?

Mischa says: (5:13:37 PM) Want to write a series of emails from Istanbul and Port au Prince? And sell them to Slate?

Claire says: (5:13:44 PM) Of course!

Mischa says: (5:13:58 PM) Will you write both sides of the letters?

Claire says: (5:14:07 PM) Hmmmm.

Mischa says: (5:14:18 PM) Let's think about this later.

Claire says: (5:14:26 PM) It would be easier if you'd sent me more e-mails in the past, which I could mine.

Mischa says: (5:14:34 PM) No, I hate writing emails.

Mischa says: (5:14:42 PM) In fact, I hate writing.

Claire says: (5:14:49 PM) Me too.

Claire says: (5:15:01 PM) But I hate taking money from our mother more.

HAITI CALLING

Mischa says: (4:13:19 PM) Claire?

Mischa says: (4:13:22 PM) It's your brother.

Claire says: (4:36:59 PM) Hey, is there an indiginous Haitian martial art? Besides just hacking each other up with machetes?

Mischa says: (4:37:19 PM) They are masters of the art of poisoning.

Claire says: (4:37:31 PM) No, that's too much of a stretch.

Mischa says: (4:37:47 PM) No, not really.

Claire says: (4:37:54 PM) I'm wondering if there's a story I can pitch, based on my reputation as a martial-arts reporter.

Mischa says: (4:37:54 PM) But Claire, you can invent one.

Mischa says: (4:38:04 PM) You really could.

Claire says: (4:38:10 PM) You know, it's never as good as the real thing.

Mischa says: (4:38:24 PM) That's true.

Mischa says: (4:38:50 PM) There are many stories you could pitch from here, though.

Claire says: (4:39:20 PM) Hey, if you follow me on Facebook, do you read my blog?

Mischa says: (4:39:25 PM) Yes, I do !

Mischa says: (4:39:33 PM) And I saw that Sifu made it to the big time.

Claire says: (4:39:39 PM) Exactly!

Mischa says: (4:41:39 PM) I like the blog, but it looks kind of low-class.

Mischa says: (4:41:50 PM) Also, you should spew out more linkage.

Claire says: (4:41:50 PM) It's on my to-do list.

Claire says: (4:42:02 PM) I spew plenty.

Mischa says: (4:42:21 PM) I'd recommend MORE.

Claire says: (4:42:24 PM) OK!

Claire says: (4:42:28 PM) MORE!

Mischa says: (4:42:28 PM) It's a performance, remember.

Claire says: (4:42:31 PM) Any more suggestions?

Mischa says: (4:42:37 PM) Yes!

Claire says: (4:42:45 PM) For goodness sake, don't hold out on me!

Mischa says: (4:43:04 PM) Photos!

Mischa says: (4:45:12 PM) I'd aim to blog every 30 - 60 minutes, at most.

Claire says: (4:45:51 PM) I barely post once a day.

Mischa says: (4:46:01 PM) Yes, that's the problem.

Claire says: (4:46:06 PM) Oh, I see -- you want more.

Mischa says: (4:46:08 PM) I get frustrated, and forget about it.

Claire says: (4:46:15 PM) OK!

Claire says: (4:47:54 PM) Blogging is very hard, by the way. It's as hard as any other form of writing.

Mischa says: (4:47:59 PM) Yes, because you must find something to say.

Mischa says: (4:48:04 PM) I figured.

Claire says: (4:48:05 PM) And it has different artistic constraints that must be learned.

Mischa says: (4:51:11 PM) Such as?

Claire says: (4:51:31 PM) Tons of stuff that works in a novel, say, doesn't work on a blog.

Mischa says: (4:51:50 PM) Yes, because blog-readers have no attention span at all.

Mischa says: (4:52:14 PM) I read almost nothing longer than a paragraph on the internet.

Claire says: (4:52:20 PM) You can't develop a character. You can't expect them to read more than a sentence or two -- exactly.

Mischa says: (4:52:26 PM) And I just skim that paragraph.

Claire says: (4:52:31 PM) You can't make a cogent argument.

Mischa says: (4:52:56 PM) No, but if it's too pithy -- like poetry -- I don't like that either.

Claire says: (4:53:03 PM) No.

Mischa says: (4:53:09 PM) I just want it to go straight to the bottom decile of my soul.

Claire says: (4:53:19 PM) And you don't have the narrative arc of a novel to work with.

Mischa says: (4:53:22 PM) Like if you put up pictures of Tiger Wood's mistress or something.

Claire says: (4:53:43 PM) You have to write both for regular readers and new ones.

Claire says: (4:53:55 PM) So you have to continually re-introduce the characters.

Claire says: (4:54:08 PM) Without repeating yourself.

Mischa says: (4:54:59 PM) I'd get rid of your Google ads, especially the ads in the text.

Mischa says: (4:55:01 PM) That's cheesy.

Claire says: (4:55:14 PM) No way, man, that's where the money is.

Mischa says: (4:59:50 PM) Also, never embed a video without describing the content of the video.

Mischa says: (4:59:56 PM) That's very important.

Claire says: (5:00:00 PM) Oh! Good idea.

Cute Kitten - Watch today’s top amazing videos here

Really cute video of a kitten.

Claire says: (5:00:14 PM) I could Twitter that.

Mischa says: (5:00:24 PM) And you should multi-theme.

Claire says: (5:00:27 PM) That's the kind of thing people love to re-Tweet.

Claire says: (5:00:50 PM) Well, I am. But I don't want it to get too confused. I'm aiming for a niche market.

Mischa says: (5:00:58 PM) Andrew Sullivan keeps his blog interesting to many people by covering many diverse subjects -- from gay marriage to ... oh.

Mischa says: (5:01:02 PM) Well then.

Claire says: (5:01:35 PM) Marketing these days is all about narrower and narrower niches.

Mischa says: (5:01:46 PM) That's not what Drudge does.

Mischa says: (5:01:48 PM) He goes big.

Claire says: (5:02:12 PM) Seth Godin, for example -- oh, that's a classic mistake, assuming that your strategy should be to compete with the established powers.

Mischa says: (5:02:20 PM) Oh.

Claire says: (5:02:27 PM) You can't go head-to-head with McDonald's.

Claire says: (5:02:45 PM) You have to convince people that what they want is eco-friendly iguana-burgers.

Claire says: (5:03:19 PM) Anyway, Seth Godin's niche, for example, is explaining niche-marketing.

Mischa says: (5:03:35 PM) Maybe your niche could be explaining Seth Godin's niche.

Claire says: (5:03:45 PM) No, that's Viktor Larkhill's niche.

Mischa says: (5:04:08 PM) This is so complicated.

Claire says: (5:04:14 PM) Although I do, in fact, do a sideline in explaining Viktor Larkhill's take on Seth Godin,

Claire says: (5:04:19 PM) but I do that f2f.

Mischa says: (5:04:28 PM) f2f?

Claire says: (5:05:14 PM) Mischa, where the fuck have you been living? You'd think you were someplace totally undeveloped, primitive and technologically retrograde.

Mischa says: (5:05:59 PM) You have no idea.