IL MIGLIOR FABBRO

Just in case other readers were confused, it was Damian who assured me that writing for a porno mag was an important literary rite of passage, like getting into a feud with Norman Mailer.

TOP PEŞINDE KOŞAN BİR KÖPEK YAVRUSU GİBİ

English speakers: Don't worry about it. Keep scrolling down, there's lots for you there.

Bihter Sabanoğlu: Teşekkürler!

Dün akşam 7 civarı camdan bakıyor ve düşünüyordum: "Derse gitmek istemiyorum. Dışarısı soğuk ve karanlık, yağmur yağıyor hem de yapacak bir ton işim var. Telefonun susmak bilmediği o günlerden biriydi; her çalışında ürperiyordum ve ahizeyi her kaldırdığımda karşımdaki sadede gelmeyi reddederek sızlanıp duruyordu. Her cevap verdiğim e-mail'e karşılık başka bir tane alıyordum. Akşamüstüne yetiştirmem gereken bir iş varken apartmanımda çalışmakta olan işçiler tüm sabah boyunca yangın alarmını test etmenin müthiş eğlenceli olacağına karar vermişlerdi. Yorgunluk ve aksilikten kendimden geçmiştim ve tüm dünyanın vaktimi harcamak için ortak bir komplo içerisinde olduğunu düşünüyordum. Derse sadece kasvet dolu bir sorumluluk duygusu içinde gitmeye karar verdim: Tüm dünyaya savunma sanatlarının (savaş sanatlarının) ne de harika bir şey olduğunu anlattıktan sonra yağmur yağdığı için derse gitmemezlik edemezsiniz herhalde değil mi?

Ama gittiğime öylesine memnun oldum ki. Mükemmeldi. Öylesine harikaydı ki dersten sonra salonda bile takıldım--eve gitmek istemiyordum. Yapmam gereken her şey hakkında düşünmeyi bıraktım. Aslında hiçbir şey düşünmemeye başladım, sadece vücuduma söylenileni yaptırmaya çalışıyordum; ayaklarımı birbirinden gerekli olan uzaklıkta tutmak, vücut ağırlığımı sağ ayağa vermek, sol yumrukla vücuttan boşalan enerjiyi yerinde tutmaya çalışmak, ve sağ yumrukla beraber tamamen gereken oranda vücudu çevirmek, elliğe tekme attığımda daha güçlü ve daha tatmin edici bir ses çıkarmak. Sanıyorum - ki bunu çekinerek söylüyorum- o her zaman içleracısı zayıflıkta olan sol yumruğumdaki hatanın nerde olduğunu anlamış olabilirim (Sol kolum sağ kolumdan daha güçsüz sayılmaz o yüzden bu konu beni her zaman hayretler içinde bırakmıştır.) Üç saat boyunca bitirmem gereken hiçbir işi, ödemem gereken hiçbir faturayı, dükkan kapanmadan yetişip yapmam gereken hiçbir alışverişi, geri aramam gereken hiçbir insanı, başıma sarılacak son beladan nasıl kurtulacağımı düşünmedim. Sonunda ne stres, ne öfke kalmıştı, ne de dünyaya karşı hissedilen en ufak bir hoşnutsuzluk.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN AN EVOLUTIONARY ADVANTAGE IN THE SHTETL

Ladies and Gentlemen:

I have made an astonishing and I believe highly significant scientific discovery.

My long-lost Cousin Gregory is not only reading this blog, but even more obsessed with Mirko CroCop's high kick than I am.

Let me explain why this is amazing. First, I last saw Greg when he was a newborn infant. I remember him as pinkish and about the size of a small toaster. And actually, that may have been my cousin Jeremy, Greg's older brother. It's possible I've never once laid eyes on Greg.

I have not spoken to Greg since, not even once. My family left Manhattan for Seattle when I was about eight years old. Uncle Jay and Aunt Linda moved to Connecticut, and the cousins just never really knew each other. My mom stayed in touch with them and said everyone was fine, so I never really thought about it that much. (If you think about it, that's sad: They're my only cousins.)

But -- Lo! -- this morning, I discovered that Greg has sent me a long, thoughtful analysis of the evolution, rise and decline of CroCop's devastating left high-kick, complete with melancholic reflections on the 2007 CroCop-Gonzaga debacle. I am sure readers will be haunted, as I am, by Greg's moving account of CroCop's last days. I am put in mind of Alan Clark's immortal account of Margaret Thatcher's downfall. Anyway, herewith his thoughts:

Hi Claire,

This is your long-lost cousin Greg. I love this blog! I learned about it today when my mom told me about her trip this past week to Chicago to see your mom. There are all sorts of things I'm sure we could catch up on since we've, well... never spoken. But for starters let me try to reply to your post about Mirko Cro Cop.

It's true that he has knocked out many people with that unpleasant looking high kick. Why they didn't prepare to defend against this and see it coming is a good question. I don't have all the answers but in my opinion it's a combination of factors. For starters, Mirko in his prime was such an incredible athlete that his speed, power, and flexibility were hard to deal with. Even if his opponents knew it was coming they still couldn't stop it. He was so fast and hit with such force that many opponents couldn't react and defend fast enough.

Next is who Mirko was fighting. Mirko began his fighting career as a kickboxer but later transitioned to full-blown mixed martial arts. Most of his stunning high-kick knockout victories took place in MMA. Mirko's foundation was kickboxing, but in MMA he often fought against wrestlers and grapplers that possessed only rudimentary kickboxing or thai boxing skills. His strategy was to avoid being wrestled to the ground where he would have been a fish out of water, and to instead force the opposite.

Not only was Mirko the best pure kickboxer in MMA, but he was also very good at making MMA matches devolve into pure kickboxing as opposed to another style. This could make some of his opponents look inept. Lastly is that when Mirko was at his best, his left high kick would be preceded by other attacks that left his adversaries already injured and confused prior to that final, highlight-reel kick.

An opponent might begin the fight holding his arm up high to protect against a high kick, but Mirko would instead atack the exposed midsection. Guys would end up with a badly hurt midsection and a brain screaming "stop letting me get hit there!" On the third or fourth kick, when they would instinctively react by lowering their arm to protect their bruised side, the kick would instead aim for the exposed head. Tragic.

Ultimately, however, several factors caught up with Mirko. As MMA grew as a sport, the level of competition increased and there was less "easy pickins" out there for him. His opposition became more adept at preparing and gameplanning to avoid getting kicked in the head. And as Mirko aged, nagging injuries slowed him down as did his diminishing speed and reflexes. He is still fighting today, but no longer considered a legitimate contender to win the heavyweight title. This may have been the real turning point, back in 2007:

In this tiny video we see Mirko being given a taste of his own medicine. His opponent, Gabriel Gonzaga, had earlier in the fight thrown a bruising kick to Mirko's body. If you watch the clip closely, you'll see Mirko is initially guarding his face, but then sensing another damaging body kick, he lowers his arm to defend it. The kick went high instead of low and the rest is history.

Hope you are doing well!!!

Feel free to say hello any time. Would love to hear from you.

Best,

Greg

(Thank you, Greg! That's really the best analysis I've read.)

Now, why is this astonishing? It is astonishing because it is highly suggestive evidence of a previously-unknown recessive gene that codes for an obsession with Mirko CroCop fight videos.

Let me explain.

There is nothing about the environments in which we were raised that would explain why Gregory and I, raised on opposite sides of the American Continent, should simultaneously have become obsessed with CroCop fight videos.

We come from a family of hyperintellectual, over-achieving Ashkenazi Jews. My mother is a cellist. His father is an opera producer for the Met. (I just looked him up: A lot of Grammy awards! Congratulations, Uncle Jay!)

My Mom and Uncle Jay grew up in the Bronx. Environmentally speaking, Gregory and I should both be writing self-obsessed, sexually-fixated novels about insurance salesmen in Newark, not studying CroCop fight videos.

What does this tell us?

Clearly, it tells us that there is a genetic explanation for this. And if there is -- and this is obvious, prima facie -- it must have conferred an evolutionary advantage to our ancestors.

Since our ancestors were shtetl Jews in, I guess, Lithuania or something, we are compelled to conclude that they evolved to be highly fascinated by menacing, overdeveloped goyische thugs who speak Slavic languages and possess the ability to kick you really hard in the kopf.

This fascination afforded our ancestors an obvious survival advantage: It allowed them quickly to appreciate that anyone who looks like Mirko CroCop had no doubt come to their backwards, hapless, benighted little frozen yiddische villages to bash their brains in.

Having recognized this, they would have taken appropriate measures to evade predation -- and survived.

Members of the media: I'm a little busy today, but if you're calling to get my reaction to the Nobel Committee's announcement, here's my statement: "I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the Nobel Committee's decision. Let me be clear, I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments, but rather as a recognition of the fact that the Swedes will give that damned prize to anyone."

HOW TO BUY A ZOMBIE IN HAITI

Gentle Readers:

The stat counter says you're in Texas. Why, I don't fully understand, but greetings, Texans. I have always liked your state.

I have no more martial arts news to report today, though tomorrow promises to be full of discussion. We shall be examining the data and settling once and for all the question, "Which martial art is the best?" So tune in tomorrow -- or perhaps Wednesday, depending on your time zone.

In the meantime, you could read the story of how my brother tried to buy a zombie in Haiti.

Or perhaps you might like this story about Maoist Kurdish-separatist Slave Urchins who stole my Great-Granny's wedding ring.

NO, MOM, DON'T DO IT!

Mom,

It seems you're not the only reader left. Egemen is reading this too. He is now extremely concerned for you. It seems that I steered you wrong.

Listen to him, Mom. I beg you. He's the authority. If tomorrow morning you wake up to discover that you are Mirko Crocop, do not expect that high kick to work when you step out for the morning paper and a bit of the old ultra-violence. It's just too big a risk.

But all bets are off if you wake up to discover that you are a monstrous verminous bug. If you can't make at least one of those hundreds of legs work to your advantage, there's something wrong with the system, not the fighter.

Love,

Your daughter

THE FIGHT VIDEO YOUR GOVERNMENT DOESN'T WANT YOU TO SEE

[11/13/09] Egemen Baranok: This is the punch I was trying to teach you last lesson:

[11/13/09] Claire Berlinski: Wow.

(If you can't see that, you may be in Turkey. Try this link in your favorite proxy browser.)

[11/13/09] Claire Berlinski: Please explain, for the benefit of people who may not see it immediately, how this illustrates a wider principle. As you did while showing it to me.

[11/13/09] Egemen Baranok: Counter-attacking.

[11/13/09] Egemen Baranok: People think counter-attacking is "Block, then attack."

[11/13/09] Egemen Baranok: NO.

[11/13/09] Egemen Baranok: It's attacking at the same time as the opponent.

[11/13/09] Egemen Baranok: Moving is the key.

[11/13/09] Egemen Baranok: Stationary things are called targets.

[11/13/09] Egemen Baranok: And we HIT targets.

[11/13/09] Egemen Baranok: If you move, you don't get the punch.

[11/13/09] Egemen Baranok: If you don't move, it's double KO (as I showed you).

A SELF-DEFENSE TIP FOR MY MOTHER

Now that I've stopped talking about Penthouse, all of my readers seem to have wandered off somewhere else, except, of course, for my mother. So Mom, this one's for you.

I was talking to Egemen yesterday afternoon about these Top Ten Tips lists for defending yourself in hand-to-hand combat. He expressed some reservations. He was concerned they might not fully convey the complete unpredictability of a real fight -- or the unpredictability of human beings, for that matter.

For example, "If you can't run, scream." Probably good advice most of the time, except when you encounter the guy who's so crazy that when you start screaming, it makes him decide that he has just got to do whatever it takes to make that unattractive noise stop. People that crazy are out there, and if they test the fire alarm in my building even one more time, I'm going to become one of them.

Anyway, Mom, I think Sifu Emin's Top Ten Tips are very good advice for you, and would be quite helpful to you in your next hand-to-hand combat situation -- keeping in mind, as I always stress, that I'm really not qualified to say.

But I'd like to point out one notable potential exception. Sifu Emin advises that you "Forget about throwing a high kick to your adversary’s head. Fancy high kicks take too long and leave you off-balance and exposed." From what I've seen, this is almost always true. But in my inexpert opinion, this advice should be qualified thus: "Forget about throwing a high kick to your adversary’s head. Fancy high kicks take too long and leave you off-balance and exposed, unless you are Mirko CroCop."

If, Mom, by some metaphysical mishap, you wake up tomorrow and discover that you are Mirko CroCop, then I say by all means, feel confident in your ability to end things by throwing a high kick to your adversary's head.

Now, I have a question about this video. Those guys in the ring with him are pros. Surely they availed themselves of YouTube before these fights to study CroCop's fighting style. Did they not notice a trend? Why is it that none of those poor schmucks seemed to see that high left kick coming? I mean, he does it over and over and over. He ends it that way every single time.

Wouldn't you think that anyone going into the ring with Mirko CroCop would know that above all, you've got to keep an eye on his left foot, because if you don't, it's going to end up being driven into your head?

So what's going wrong for them? I really don't quite understand this. Sifu Emin's right, that is a highly telegraphed kick. You'd think it would be possible to prepare for it a bit better.

Egemen?

I MAY NOT BE PAYING ATTENTION, BUT AT LEAST I HAVE GOOD KARMA

I was walking home from Muay Thai class last night when I saw this. A typical Friday night on Istiklal Caddesi. I thought they were charming, and a good example of something one of the tango teachers I interviewed last week said to me:

Everywhere in Turkey, people have dance in them. Tango is another discipline for us, but it was easy for us to move into it because the dance infrastructure was already in place in our culture. Turkish men are used to dancing with emotion. It’s in the folkloric dance tradition.

The point he was making was that there was no special reason why men should be so under-represented in Turkish tango culture, and as you can see, he's right. (I do suspect some Alevi influence in this scene.)

What's interesting about this is what happens after the film stops. The cameraman -- that's me -- nearly gets run over by a tram. It was this close. That very pretty woman with the long hair grabbed me out of the way just before it hit me. Regular readers (i.e., my mother) will remember that not long ago I did the same favor for a three-legged cat, in exactly the same place on this street, at exactly the same time of night. So I figure this incident is, at least, reassuring evidence that the Great Magnet does occasionally notice what we're up to. Unlike the cat, however, I recognized that this woman had done me a great favor, and I thanked her profusely rather than trying to slash her eyeballs out of her skull.

In typically sweet Turkish fashion, she then invited me to share the picnic she was carrying with her, and warm feelings prevailed all around, as so often they do in Turkey. I surely would have invited the cat to share my dinner, too, had he not torn it from my hands and scattered in all over the street, and had I not been drenched in my own blood.

Anyway, the point of this story is this: The whole "situational awareness" business still needs some work. I was so distracted by the charm of this scene that I didn't notice a tram barreling up the road at me. Now, this is not to say that I was completely unaware of potential danger; I was thinking about it. But I was thinking, "Be careful of your wallet in this crowd; there could be pickpockets around." Given the noise, it's not so surprising that I didn't hear the tram coming. But given that I know perfectly well that trams run up and down that street and stop for no living creature, I really should have been more aware.

Anyway, all's well that ends well, and it was nice to see these kids having so much fun.

I'll keep working on it.

AN ENGLISH LESSON FOR GÖKHAN

Dear Gökhan (that is how we begin letters in English),

I don't know whether you will read this.

Maybe you will, though, because you knew I had written something about the tango. Enough, in fact, to ask whether I'd got that black eye in tango class.

So maybe you have been looking at this blog?

You said you would teach me Muay Thai if I taught you English.

You taught me Muay Thai in class the other night. Thank you!

So here is an English lesson.

punch - yumruk

hook - kroşe

left hook - sol kroşe

right hook - sağ kroşe

cross - direk

hammer fist - balyoz yumruk

kick - tekme

roundhouse kick - dairesel tekme

high kick - yüksek tekme

flying kick - uçan tekme

spinning kick - dönen tekme

hammer kick - balyoz tekme

bob & weave - eskiv

counter attack - kontra atak

clinch - sarılmak

elbow - dirsek

knee - diz

wrestle - güreşmek

bite - ısırmak

headbutt - kafa atmak

You will be tested in class.

Best wishes,

Claire

DEFEND YOURSELF IN HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT: TEN TIPS FROM THE FORMER LITERARY EDITOR OF NATIONAL REVIEW

Brad Miner, author of The Concise Conservative Encyclopedia, Smear Tactics: The Liberal Campaign to Defame America and The Compleat Gentleman: The Modern Man's Guide to Chivalry, is, in addition to these illustrious accomplishments, an authority on hand-to-hand combat. I post herewith his top ten tips.

Dear Claire,

I’m being only slightly sarcastic with this Top 10 list. I’m going to assume that one trained in the martial arts – whatever discipline – will know pretty well what to do in a combat situation, so my list is more for the untrained:

1) Run away. If all you are defending is yourself, why fight IF you can avoid it? Your money or your life? Please! Give up the cash.

2) If you can’t run, scream. Most thugs – although not all – don’t want an audience. If you’re in a place where no one can hear you, why? Avoid isolation, especially at night and in unfamiliar urban settings. If you do go to these places, carry Mace or some other brand of pepper spray.

3) If neither escape nor help are forthcoming, face your attacker, especially if you are knocked to the ground. The worst possible mistake (and it's one the untrained often make) is to roll onto your stomach – a totally defenseless position. Face the attacker. Your head must be square to his, but turn your body to one side, which cuts down his target area. (In this I disagree slightly with Sifu Böztepe’s point #8.) Your body will square around, of course, if and when he comes at you and you respond.

3) Breathe deeply and as calmly as possible through the nose. (Not to the point of hyperventilating, of course.) For one not trained – and even for many who are – this is tough, but proper breathing is essential. Nothing exhausts a fighter as quickly as the tension that arises from poor breathing (especially from holding your breath), just as nothing makes a fighter more effective that keeping cool. Anger and rage are blinding your attacker; don’t let them (or fear) blind you.

4) Scan the attacker’s body, seeking targets, but be especially aware of his eyes, since they’ll signal his intentions. Key targets are obvious: testicles, diaphragm, and – my personal favorite – the orbital bone. A well-placed reverse punch to this last area (the top of the eye socket) will cause the attacker’s eye to swell shut in a matter of seconds. But for most people, a swift kick to the nuts will be the most effective technique. Above all, know what you’ll do. As we say: Plan your work and work your plan. We also say: Block soft, hit hard. Use your opponent’s momentum to move his body away from yours; shift the angle of your body relative to his and make your blocking movements fluid, “soft.” (Goju-ryu is Japanese for "hard-soft style.")

5) In other words: Counter his attack. Unless you are confident in your skills, I believe it’s best to use the attacker’s movements against him. Pre-emption is for black-belts. If the two of you end up in a stand-off, so what? But if he attacks, a classic counter would be: if he dives in at your waist, smash a knee into his nose. Nothing turns a blowhard into a coward faster than his own blood. But when and wherever you strike, hit hard, and use combinations: kick-punch-kick. And sight in each technique. Never take your eyes off the target.

6) Be committed. Above all, BE COMMITTED. An attacker will only be inflamed by a half-hearted kick or punch. If you are about to be raped, beaten, or murdered, fight for your life. It will not go worse for you if you fight like hell. It will almost certainly go better. Most of us have astonishing inner reserves of power, and most attackers want no part of a vigorous resitance.

7) Be quick. Speed equals power. I was sitting in zazen one day in the dojo where I trained – the oldest person in the class (by several decades) – and our teacher asked what was on my mind. I said: “Proper breathing equals relaxation; relaxation equals speed; speed equals power.” Any kick or punch delivered to whatever body target will be most effective if it’s like a cobra strike. As we say: In fast, out faster. (This is the “secret” of the classic reverse punch: “aimed” several inches into the target, delivered, brought back like a whip, little of its force flows back along your arm and into your own body – most of its shock radiates into the target.)

8) There’s an old adage: “An attacker must vanquish; a defender need only survive.” If you succeeded in your first defense, look again to make your retreat. If you cannot retreat and the attacker persists, reset. Plan your work and work your plan. Look for the targets he presents.

9) If you must continue to defend yourself, remember points 6 & 7: strike or kick with determination and quickness.

10) Hope that the balance will change – that you will be able to go on offense rather than continue on defense. It happens in violent confrontations: the aggressor may suddenly become the defender. If you go on offense, show no mercy until you are confident you are safe. But always seek an opportunity for retreat. In any fight, injury and even death are possible. You’d rather have a story to tell than a death to contend with.

And, notwithstanding what I wrote at the start, I’d add one other thing to Sifu Böztepe’s point #1 on his superb list: Train, yes, but be sure that much of that training is full-tilt sparring. If you’ve never been hit hard – in the gut and in the face – you may not be ready for real combat. Such training is painful and even dangerous, but the dojo needs to simulate the street. A fist in the face is not just a physical event; it may also be a stinging psychic shock.

By the way, if I were starting over, I’d study Krav Maga. Too many martial-arts programs cleave (and properly so) to the traditional belt-system balance of kata/kihon/kumite: ritualized Tai Chi-like movements intended to teach proper technique/training in strikes, kicks, and blocks/sparring. If practical, real-world self-defense is the goal, I’m afraid katas are a crushing waste of time. Being a traditionalist, I love watching well-executed kata, but the time consumed learning them – required for advancement through the alluring white-to-yellow-to-green-to-purple-to-brown-to-black belt system – have a way of spinning students right off the merry-go-round. As I understand it, at every stage of training Krav Maga is all about effective combat fighting.

-Brad

PS from Claire: Welcome, Krav Maga denouncers! May I take your coats? Help yourself to tea and some nice buttery digestive biscuits; they're on the coffee table. The Gracie Feud obsessifs have gone sightseeing, alas. They were hoping to see the Haghia Sophia and the Blue Mosque. But I'm sure they'll be back before tea. We can have another round of ritual denunciations then. I'm sure you'll all enjoy meeting one another.